This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
