my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Randomize
