I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize