He is such a slut. More and more my type.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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