we have pet lesbian snakes
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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