Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Randomize
