Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
