This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
