For the record dan just proved he knows the first and last names of ALL the members of NSync. Jury is no longer out on his sexuality.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
