I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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