i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Randomize
