I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
