I faked an abortion last night.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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