This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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