You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
