Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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