On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize