I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
