I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
