I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
