There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
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