I just pynch a tree in the face
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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