its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
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