where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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