I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
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