just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
