fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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