And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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