Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
