I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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