As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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