I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
