Your dad touched me again.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
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