apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
