maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
