This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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