My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
