2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
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