fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
