The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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