Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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