When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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