I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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