Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
