you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize