i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
