Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
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