You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize