I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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