$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
