FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
