I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I think people are normalizing furries
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
