ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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