On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
