Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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