i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
