Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
