my phone needs a breathalizer
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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