Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
