Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
