Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Blood and glitter go together right?
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
