JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Randomize
