becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
