that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
my shit smells like andre
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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