Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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