I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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