Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
