she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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