So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
